Jul. 4th, 2012

koree: ([KHR] Hibari - Personal Hell)
Hey, it's been a long time, hasn't it?

I can't remember the last time that I wrote to myself, but I can't really remember the last time I felt pushed to the point I felt as if I needed to. I'm sitting at my computer right now feeling like complete emotional shit. Fireworks are going off outside and have been for an entire week. My buddy lists, all three of them, have each at least one person online, and while almost everyone in the country is celebrating its freedom and spending time enjoying themselves with someone else or even alone I feel all together removed from... everything.

I made the decision last night to leave Plurk alone, at least for the time being. I thought that maybe the cause for all of this was seeing how active everyone else was and feeling left out, and at first I got the desired results. I was happy and relieved for all of a few hours, and people were happy to talk to me on instant messenger, but as people started going to bed one by one my insecurities came creeping right back like shadows. You have some light for a while and it keeps them at bay until the light goes dim, then you're left to face your demons on your own again.

I wonder if the problem is in fact Plurk, and not the quality of friends that I'm "surrounded" by at present. I've been trying to get back in touch with Ell on a regular basis again for some time with mixed results, but I think we're getting closer to reconnecting. Honestly it's taking effort not to rush it, in fact, because I've felt so unwanted for the past week that I honestly don't know how I stand it.

People tell me that they're excited to work with me on storylines and projects, and then... instead we end up talking less and less, and where I thought that we might become RP partners instead they're gone off with someone else that I've felt unwanted by in the first place. Have I just lost my touch for telling genuine affection from empty promises, or was it just easy to see through people in the B/C in comparison?

I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the overbearing one, that I should pull back so I don't frighten people away. I have so many ideas and so much energy that I don't know what to do with it all, and I often feel like I'm taken for granted where I really want to be appreciated. I feel like a passing novelty: Interesting and new and amazing at first and then the new smell fades and the new shine dulls and people find themselves left with this gadget or book that still has so much to offer, but it's not NEW and can no longer provide instant gratification, so it's lost any worth to their time.

I miss having friends and people in my life that didn't treat me like this, or make me feel like this. Unfortunately I feel like maybe part of my problem is that I myself have missed out on golden opportunities to have worthwhile plots and CR with others because I was taken in by the novelty of BEING someone's novelty, and it's too late to go back.

RP is losing it's charm. I still want to explore these things, I feel that the world of fiction and creation still has a lot to offer and to be explored, but I'm having such a difficult time finding someone who is free to explore it with me in the areas that I want to go that a little part of my hope of ever finding such people dies every time I go through this.

I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm not ready to close the book on this chapter. I know I'm not ideal. I play a largely female cast and the males that I do play aren't sex god assholes, they're well intended, geeky, dorky, perhaps undateable, but they have character too. Don't ignore me, please. And don't tell me that you understand and you want to do this and that with me, that you're excited for our plans and then flaunt your other things where I can see it while you barely spare our stuff one tag a day. I ask the question over and over and I feel like I never get an honest answer.

What am I doing wrong?

July 2012

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